i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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