Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
it's like iHOP with fire
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Randomize
