please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
