Sorry, I don't speak sober.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
