You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
A bitchslap is in order.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
