Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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