I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
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