The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
