Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
