i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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