It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
