found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
