I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
