omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Randomize
