it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I said "one day" and that day is not today
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
