I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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