Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
