My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
