when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
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