its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
