I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
