Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
