Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Randomize
