textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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