I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Randomize
