Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
