Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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