Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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