From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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