If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
