She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
