Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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