just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
