Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
