I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
