I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
