i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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