"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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