genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
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