Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
