you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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