in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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