when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
