so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Randomize
