i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Two words: nipple clamps
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