there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
