I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
