Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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