dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
