His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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