My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
