I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
