I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
