The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
